In a pivot that screams, “If you can’t beat them, collar them”, tech giant Wixia has decided to salvage its luxury smartwatch disaster by transforming it into a line of premium dog collars.
The rebrand follows what can only be described as a keynote calamity. Chief Product Designer Ignacio Fortsworth delivered the presentation with all the enthusiasm of someone reading a warranty manual. Things started to unravel when the display screen failed to work, forcing Fortsworth to summon their IT savior, “Dave”, who heroically resolved the issue by — brace yourself — plugging in a cable.
The downward spiral continued as Fortsworth unveiled the much-anticipated Wixia smartwatch while conspicuously sporting a rival Binecom device on his wrist. But the product’s “features” really stole the show: a smoke detector that could deafen nearby smokers and an automatic electric shock for loud environments made it less of a wearable and more of a high-tech prank.
With sales flatter than a smartwatch’s battery after three hours, and memes dubbing it the “smartwatch for masochists”, Wixia’s pivot to dog collars feels less like a strategy and more like a dare. Insiders say the $999.99 collars — yes, that’s the starting price — will ditch the smoke alarm (small mercies) but retain the shock feature, which Wixia now pitches as “behavioral reinforcement.”
The collars will reportedly include add-ons like an automatic treat dispenser and, for the truly indulgent, a poop detector. Naturally, the product will pair with an exclusive app — because what’s modern life without a subscription fee? Wixia insiders hint that premium app features will include “bark-to-text” translation and “tail wag analytics,” ensuring you’ll never miss your pet’s mood swings.