In what authorities are calling “deeply unhinged but technically legal,” a local man has purchased every Easter egg within a 200-mile radius and replaced them with used milk jugs.
The man, who introduced himself only as “Egg,” claims Easter has “gone soft” and is now taking action to rebrand it.
“Back in my day, you earned your Easter,” Egg bellowed into a megaphone outside a Brooklyn park. “Eggs? Fragile. Temporary. But a milk jug? Now that’s a symbol of endurance. That’s Easter with grit.”
True to his word, thousands of plastic milk jugs were scattered across public spaces this morning, some filled with motivational quotes, some with cryptic messages (“Got egg?”) and at least one with what appeared to be solidified milk, after being left out in the sun for too long.
Panicked parents across the tri-state area are scrambling to explain the shift to their children, many of whom were seen dragging gallon jugs twice their size across muddy lawns.
“My son found one in a birdbath and cried for twenty minutes,” said local mom Raphaelle Bobb. “We told him it was a metaphor.”
Some jugs are rumored to contain prizes, like coupons to expired escape rooms or limited-edition stickers that say “I Survived Jug Day.” One particularly competitive 8-year-old was last seen building a makeshift sled to haul seven jugs uphill “before the big kids get ‘em.”
In related news, a robbery reportedly took place at the local corner store during the milk jug hunt, but no one noticed because everyone was too busy trying to pry open a duct-taped gallon labeled “Final Jug.”
Police say they’re keeping an eye on Egg but admit, “he’s not technically breaking any laws – just spirits.”