After an almost four-month hiatus, our coworker has finally been found. And you will never guess where.
After months of speculation, conspiracy theories, and exactly one half-hearted attempt at forming a search party since going missing, The Gateway Report’s very own Stefan Laurence has resurfaced. And folks, you’re not ready for this.
Stefan now comes clean about his whereabouts in this exclusive tell-all.
So, where was he? Well… according to Stefan himself, he was just “vibing.” A passerby discovered him living it up in an abandoned theme park on the outskirts of town.
– Listen, I was stressed, okay? Stefan explains, sighing deeply.
– Deadlines, bad AC, that damn wheel on my desk chair that wouldn’t stop squeaking. I was fed up, man. Then I found that amusement park during my lunch break, and it just… felt right.
That’s right. Our missing editor wasn’t kidnapped, exiled, or deceased. He simply stumbled upon an abandoned amusement park, got really into the vibe, and decided to stay.
– The bumper cars still worked. The funnel cake machine was only mildly haunted. Heck, I even found some corn dogs without mold on them!
Over the months, Stefan thrived in his newfound home, mastering skee-ball, befriending raccoons, and teaching himself to walk on stilts. When asked why he didn’t contact anyone, he just shrugged.
– I had so many unread emails. I figured one more month wouldn’t hurt. Then another. Then it just became a lifestyle.
Some may recall Stefan’s on-air dispute with Gateway Live host Robert Banks, who threatened him on television, leading to wild speculation about Banks’ involvement in the disappearance. Stefan, however, is setting the record straight.
– Oh no, love that dude. Robbie even stayed with me for a week. Brought some cake, too.
When we asked about the whole incident on The Gateway Live, he just laughed and said “typical Rob”.
Banks himself didn’t answer our calls, but texted back with a menacing “You guys know we work at the same fucking office right? Come by my office tomorrow and I’ll tell you EXACTLY how I feel. Spoiler alert: YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT!”.
Ooh, we’re so scared, Rob.
Despite smelling like stale popcorn and whiskey, Stefan will resume his position at The Gateway Report. He has promised to “reintegrate into society,” though he has spent the last two days silently staring out the office window – not even pausing for lunch.
Let’s hope he adjusts soon enough.