The Gateway Report has uncovered a groundbreaking move that has stunned the financial world, Secure Capital Bank has admitted to using its customers’ savings to invest in cryptocurrency.
The bold strategy, dubbed “Operation CryptoRocket,” was intended to send the bank—and its trusting clients—to the moon. Instead, it sent them straight into the deep void of financial ruin.
“We saw the word ‘crypto’ and thought, ‘This is like stealing candy from a kid. Easy money, what could go wrong?’” said Secure Capital Bank Business Director, Thomas Gamble, during a press conference. “We never expected things like ‘volatility’ or ‘market crashes’ to happen!”
Thousands of customers, who had responsibly deposited their life savings, woke up to discover their bank accounts had been converted into digital assets of questionable value. The bank assured them this was all part of the “modern banking experience” and encouraged them to “HODL” (Hold On for Dear Life).
“We believe in innovation, and sometimes that means testing the limits of good judgment,” Gamble added. “Sure, we lost billions, but it’s all about the journey. Sometimes a great misfortune is the beginning of a great opportunity!”
Customers are reportedly less thrilled. “I just wanted a secure retirement,” said longtime client Linda Jones, clutching a wallet full of now-worthless NFTs. “But now it looks like I’ll need to keep working until I’m 92!”
Secure Capital Bank should update their slogan to reflect its new philosophy (and market predictions): “Secure Today, Gone Tomorrow.”