It’s been a rough few days for Quantz, the electronics company that’s apparently been riding more than just the tech wave.
Following yesterdays article revealing that the company’s spike in productivity was fueled by, well, the other kind of white powder, Quantz has been under more scrutiny than a pop star’s Twitter feed. Since this news hit the press, stocks have predictably taken a nosedive, and the panic is palpable. Investors seem shocked that Quantz’s workers were cranking out products like the deadline was tomorrow because, as it turns out, their hearts were also cranking at 200 beats per minute. In a bold move, Quantz has responded by shipping all employees with a cocaine habit off to rehab. In a plot twist that will surprise exactly zero people, it turns out that 80% of the workforce was affected.
With most of the company now on a sabbatical from both their jobs and their stimulants, production has slowed to a crawl. Analysts are already predicting that this whole “cleaning up” strategy will have dire consequences for the company’s future.