All the highs and lows of the rollercoaster capitalist life.
Thursday, December 26 2024
Banking Is Doing Well Despite Rise In Crime
Banking is flourishing despite all the recent robberies—or maybe because of them? A theory being circulated in specific online forums claims banks are profiting from the insecurity around the city.... Read More
Thursday, November 28 2024
HR Manager Busted Running Speakeasy In Stationary Room
A Secure Capital Bank HR manager has been accused of turning a supply room into a late-night speakeasy.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Subscription-Based Car Already In Trouble
Subscription services really have gone out of hand. Buffler has been a mainstay on American streets for decades.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
Tech Giant Gixell Scammed In Copper Deal
In a deal seemed like striking gold, or, you know, copper, Gixell got scammed. Copper serves as the backbone of our technology, and with mines drying up around the world, it’s becoming more and more of a scarce resource.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Andrew Kang Steps Down as CEO of ScryDigital Amid Kang Coin Fallout
Andrew Kang, the now-former CEO of ScryDigital, has officially stepped down following the turbulent aftermath of his cryptocurrency venture, “Kang Coin.”... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Gixell Board Member Harasses Club Goer with “Dance”
In a story that screams, “please no,” a Gixell board member has single-handedly set back workplace respect by a solid decade with some of the most uncomfortable dance moves ever witnessed in public.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
A Safe That Tries To Get Somewhere Safe?
Can’t break in to something you can’t catch. In a surprising twist for the world of high-security, Titan, the company famous for its indestructible cameras and vaults, has announced a new development: safes that literally run away when under threat.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Almendia Driver Carries Load… Of Pleasure
In an unexpected turn of events, an Almendia delivery driver was caught using his work van for more than just deliveries.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Wixia’s Payment Doesn’t Dent Their Holdings
Wixia pays off the entirety of the lawsuit against them using only a fraction of its crypto portfolio.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Binecom Invests In Old Tech
Binecom bafflingly invests heavily in the return of the cassette tape. Binecom, known for technical innovation and a giant library of gadgets spanning over sixty years, has recently spent millions on a new facility producing… cassette tapes.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Secure Capital Bank Announces Bold New Strategy: “Oops!”
The Gateway Report has uncovered a groundbreaking move that has stunned the financial world, Secure Capital Bank has admitted to using its customers’ savings to invest in cryptocurrency.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
HAAB Launches Groundbreaking Tongue Scanner—Because Apparently, Licking Your Front Door Is the Future of Home Security
In a bold move no one really asked for, HAAB has just introduced the latest in biometric security: the tongue scanner.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Flatkeep Wins Contract To Fix City Pot Potholes
No, you didn’t misread that. Flatkeep is tasked with patching up the city’s potholes, which are secretly hiding a different kind of traffic.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Quantz sends 80% of Workforce to Rehab, Productivity Tanks
It’s been a rough few days for Quantz, the electronics company that’s apparently been riding more than just the tech wave.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Investors Shocked as “Kang Coin” Crashes Faster Than Your Weekend Plans, Fraud Accusations Fly
For the third time in a week, Andrew Kang, CEO of ScryDigital, is back in the headlines—this time, it’s not just for bad business decisions, but possibly for something illegal.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Customers Mock Bank With Shark Merch
In what some are calling corporate bullying, others an act of love, customers have started sporting shark themed merchandise in a celebration at Gold & Sharke’s recent insurance offerings – and the bank isn’t liking it.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Exclusive: Buffler and Almendia Team Up for “Billion-Dollar” Delivery Deal
The Gateway Report can exclusively reveal that car manufacturer Buffler and logistics giant Almendia have struck a new partnership deal.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Quantz Productivity Boost Actually Cocaine
In a leaked memo, it is revealed that productivity is actually a result of using cocaine.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Gold & Sharke Expands to Gold & Sharks
Gold & Sharke dives into new waters, offering insurance for both gold and, well, sharks. The bank giant, that also offers insurance, has announced their latest offering: insurance for both gold and pet sharks.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
SCB robberies keep affecting stock price
Secure Capital Bank can’t seem to catch a break, with them being a victim of more robberies than ever.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Vialock to offer anti-heist insurance
In a press release earlier today, the security company ViaLock will start to offer insurance to prevent heist attempts.... Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Woman permanently blinded by eye scanner
An eye-opening incident caused by a faulty eye scanner has damaged the vision of a bank worker for life. Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Buffler car salesman caught selling faulty car
Earlier today, The Gateway Report received information from a secret source, claiming that a high ranked Buffler employee was selling a faulty car.... Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
New Morsley client expected to cause uptick
Security camera company Morsley's future looks bright after their latest quarterly report. Read More