Thursday, September 19 2024
Stock Market In Shambles!
The stock market, the sacred playground of finance bros and hedge fund titans, was brought to its knees this week when the masked villains dropped in—literally—through the roof of the New York Financial Exchange.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Almendia Truck Crash Reveals Airbag Full of Cocaine
In yet another bizarre twist for Almendia, one of their delivery drivers is making headlines—not for his impeccable delivery record, but for crashing his truck and being engulfed in what turned out to be an airbag stuffed with cocaine.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Robert Banks Signs 10-year Contract To Voice Quantz Tech
Ever want to get more of known drug-fiend Robert Banks in your life? Me neither, but here we go.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Like Lazarus, Andrew Kang Rises From The Dead To Reclaim CEO Throne At ScryDigital
Just when the ScryDigital soap opera seemed to be wrapping up, Andrew Kang smashed through the boardroom’s glass doors—literally—and declared himself CEO once more, only days after his unceremonious exit.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Subscription-Based Car Already In Trouble
Subscription services really have gone out of hand. Buffler has been a mainstay on American streets for decades.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
Yung Gold-Chain Changes Name to Yung Gold-Sharke, Shamelessly Courts Bank Sponsorship
In a move that’s equal parts genius and utterly shameless, rapper Yung Gold-Chain has officially rebranded himself as Yung Gold-Sharke—all in a transparent attempt to become an official partner with Gold & Sharke.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
Rydfly’s Bathtub Speaker Shocks Users – Literally
A floating speaker for a bit of bathtub music, not a bad idea! Having it connected to a wall-socket while it bobs around… worse.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
GenSec Guard Finds Missing Woman Lost In Cargo Dock, Praised for Bravery
In a twist no one saw coming, a GenSec guard at Roger Wilson Cargo Terminal became an unlikely hero after discovering a woman who had been lost for two months—while just trying to find a restroom.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
Tech Giant Gixell Scammed In Copper Deal
In a deal seemed like striking gold, or, you know, copper, Gixell got scammed. Copper serves as the backbone of our technology, and with mines drying up around the world, it’s becoming more and more of a scarce resource.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
ViaLock CEO’s Bizarre DUI Arrest Sends Stock Soaring
In a story that could be straight out of a dark comedy, Jennifer Kyte, CEO of ViaLock, was recently arrested for a DUI under some truly bizarre circumstances.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
Wixia Launches VR Headset, Instant Catastrophe
In what can only be described as a tech disaster, Wixia—the same company once caught mining crypto through innocent-looking screensavers (and hilariously paying off their lawsuit in crypto)—has now flopped with their latest venture: the Wixia Immersio VR headset.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Andrew Kang Steps Down as CEO of ScryDigital Amid Kang Coin Fallout
Andrew Kang, the now-former CEO of ScryDigital, has officially stepped down following the turbulent aftermath of his cryptocurrency venture, “Kang Coin.”... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Rydfly’s Annoying New Feature Causes Recall
Inspired by the Japanese tradition of yomawari (night watch), volunteers called shōbōdan (volunteer corps) clack together hyōshigi (wooden blocks tied together with string) to remind their neighborhoods to be weary of fire.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Gixell Board Member Harasses Club Goer with “Dance”
In a story that screams, “please no,” a Gixell board member has single-handedly set back workplace respect by a solid decade with some of the most uncomfortable dance moves ever witnessed in public.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
A Safe That Tries To Get Somewhere Safe?
Can’t break in to something you can’t catch. In a surprising twist for the world of high-security, Titan, the company famous for its indestructible cameras and vaults, has announced a new development: safes that literally run away when under threat.... Read More
Friday, September 13 2024
Almendia Driver Carries Load… Of Pleasure
In an unexpected turn of events, an Almendia delivery driver was caught using his work van for more than just deliveries.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Wixia’s Payment Doesn’t Dent Their Holdings
Wixia pays off the entirety of the lawsuit against them using only a fraction of its crypto portfolio.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Binecom Invests In Old Tech
Binecom bafflingly invests heavily in the return of the cassette tape. Binecom, known for technical innovation and a giant library of gadgets spanning over sixty years, has recently spent millions on a new facility producing… cassette tapes.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Mouthy Employee Defenestrated At Lynxguard Over Verbal Disagreement
Wicked manager named “Oscar” arrested at Lynxguard for throwing coworker out of window. In a shocking turn of events, Oscar, the once highly regarded manager of the Lynxguard Marketing Team—famous for their brilliant ads—has been arrested following his bold (if unconventional) decision to eject an employee—literally—out of a second-floor window.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Man Dies From Diamond Grills, Proving Once Again That Luxury Kills
In a twist no one saw coming (except maybe the cynics), a man tragically died while wearing diamond grills, generously provided by IDE.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Secure Capital Bank Announces Bold New Strategy: “Oops!”
The Gateway Report has uncovered a groundbreaking move that has stunned the financial world, Secure Capital Bank has admitted to using its customers’ savings to invest in cryptocurrency.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
HAAB Launches Groundbreaking Tongue Scanner—Because Apparently, Licking Your Front Door Is the Future of Home Security
In a bold move no one really asked for, HAAB has just introduced the latest in biometric security: the tongue scanner.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Flatkeep Wins Contract To Fix City Pot Potholes
No, you didn’t misread that. Flatkeep is tasked with patching up the city’s potholes, which are secretly hiding a different kind of traffic.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Quantz sends 80% of Workforce to Rehab, Productivity Tanks
It’s been a rough few days for Quantz, the electronics company that’s apparently been riding more than just the tech wave.... Read More